Meaning And Purpose - The Depths Of Being A “Cancer Warrior”

 

Meaning And Purpose - The Depths Of Being A “Cancer Warrior”

Maybe it’s you, maybe a loved one, a friend, an acquaintance, or a celebrity you so adore, but just about everyone on this planet is now more or less affected by cancer and the many shapes and forms it takes. Movies, documentaries, pharma commercials have given us additional (albeit often rather distorted) glimpses into what it’s like to deal with this disease. The things that probably come to mind first when hearing the word cancer are: hair loss (and the infamous head scarf), nausea, weight loss, exhaustion. Those can all be true, but unless you yourself have cancer (which I hope you don’t), chances are you’re not hearing the full story, even from a loved one.

There’s much to be told about the plethora of physical symptoms cancer and its conventional treatments bring that don’t get the spotlight much, but I’d like to steer the attention to the mental/emotional aspect here. None of my articles are ever meant to invoke some sort of pity party but rather to encourage a more mindful approach to specific social interaction and that, in my opinion, requires transparency. Of course you feel bad when you hear someone you know has cancer, and no one blames you if you’re not sure what to say to this person. That’s only natural. I have cancer, and even I get a bit flustered when someone I know tells me they just got diagnosed. What’s different now is, I get an instant flash of empathy because I know what all they’re going through, not just physically. 

Most of us diagnosed feel that we must uphold a sort of “cancer warrior image.” Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s a good idea to promote wallowing in self pity, but right now we push “fight/be a warrior” on cancer patients and I don’t think people truly understand what they’re asking of us OR the subconscious effect this has on those with cancer. I think it has led to a lot of cancer patients not talking about their struggles because they don’t want to be seen as whiners, as weak. Plus, we don’t want to bring the energy down, right? Once people know you have cancer, the energy automatically drops a notch because people feel guilty being cheerful around you, especially when you reach a stage where it’s physically obvious that you’re sick. So, what do we cancer patients do? We stop hanging out with others (in person and/or virtually). This alienates the cancer patient, and that’s the worst thing that can happen, and here’s why:

There’s a weird phenomenon that hits many cancer patients (and those with other terminal conditions) at some point following their diagnosis (especially those with advanced stages), and that is a profound loss of meaning and purpose. Some get hit with it right upon diagnosis, for others this hits later as treatments become less and less effective, making your death more and more a reality. Not a day goes by, where I’m not reminded that my days are officially numbered. It’s funny because everybody's days are numbered. It’s just that for the “average” person, death is something “over there”... not right now… not any time soon… when I’m old - I have time. If you were told you had one year to live, what would become your priorities and how well would you be able to pursue them, especially if having to consider a rapid physical and mental decline? Try to write a novel, paint a painting, help your kids get prepared for when you’re no longer around to help, mend relationships, finish the house to sell, etc when you’re in constant pain, always exhausted, losing eyesight, nauseous, pins and needles in your hands and feet, losing memory, brain foggy, managing headaches, having to go to endless appointments and tests, etc. You basically watch the days race by and you’re running after them with your arms full of desperate hopes and responsibilities, dropping things left and right, picking them up and trying to catch up. Eventually, you fall so far behind you lose hope that you’re gonna leave this planet with all things in place and it’s ok for you to go now. Depression kicks in and you wonder what the point of it all was. And since you now struggle with completing the smallest things, you start to feel your life has lost purpose. So, apart from the fact that you’re dying, you now feel guilty about it as well! Maybe all your treatments have accumulated debt - double trouble! Most of us are barely holding it together. These days, I can stub my little toe and totally fall apart, and it's not because of my damn toe, it's because I can't carry any more.

My palliative care therapist shared an interesting fact with me recently and that is that men who are diagnosed with cancer typically do worse emotionally speaking than women because they lose their sense of meaning and purpose faster than women. A theory is that for many women, motherhood provides at least SOME sense of purpose all the way to the end. This is more difficult for men because our society has drilled into everyone the role the typical male is supposed to fulfill and that becomes increasingly impossible to do as cancer progresses. (Ironically enough, this is a growing problem for men even if you DON’T have cancer, but that’s another article!)

Purpose and meaning is something humans desperately need to lead a happy and fulfilled life and that is something that is ripped from many patients upon a terminal diagnosis. As a society, I think that’s something we really need to face TOGETHER. Cancer patients are only one of the many canaries when it comes to this. It feels like the level of hopelessness in our society as a whole has increased and it’s because meaning and purpose have become very dubious notions we don’t allow ourselves to explore and instead we numb our minds with distractions, never realizing the source of our hopelessness. It may sound morbid, but I wish I would have addressed death more in depth with my kids early on. I did on a scientific and spiritual level, but only superficially and not in the context of personal purpose. We are so afraid to discuss death, especially with kids, and the unfortunate and ironic side-effect is that we take life for granted AND often wander aimlessly from one day to the next only to end up in a spot full of regrets. The truth is, every day could be our last, and we all know this, we just don’t want to accept it and push dealing with it to another day.

In my wrestling with cancer and issues with purpose and meaning I have recently had this little epiphany while participating in a webinar about inner child healing. It occured to me that for many years I’ve had this belief that unless one struggles/suffers, one won’t know how to appreciate the opposite. So, for example, if you’ve never felt trapped, you wouldn’t know how to fully appreciate the feeling of freedom. Or, if you’ve never felt hunger, you wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate food. While I still think this is true, I also think that this is a belief that can lead to self-sabotage being one of those “programs” that run in the back of your mind, preventing you from ever healing and being happy because your brain believes it must experience the bad stuff in order to be a good deserving person. It’s almost like some sort of self-induced subconscious guilt trip. But not everything needs to be experienced to understand “the opposite.” And there’s also a point when you’ve learned your lesson plenty and now it’s time to accept it and allow yourself to now actually experience “the opposite.” I think the solution to this is to practice mindfulness, to be in the moment as often as possible. I’ve been doing this for years, at least I thought so, but here again, it occurred to me I was only doing it superficially. “I’m grateful to be alive. I’m grateful to have a roof over my head. I’m grateful for my family. Etc.” Those are the “easy” ones. I’m talking about the details, the little things, the specifics. The way ice cold lemonade tastes on a sweltering summer day when you just busted your ass moving bulky furniture - I’m grateful for lemons, my tongue being equipped with taste buds that can distinguish between different tastes, refrigerators making ice cubes that tink around in my glass that some artist designed so I could have a refreshing drink that I can feel from head to toe.” That’s how you get into “the now. ”We don’t smell and appreciate the roses anymore - of course everything is meaningless shit.

But how does gratitude help with meaning and purpose? 

– It allows for healing, if not physically then spiritually, which brings back a sense of peace and hope. It validates that there are always things to live (and die) for. It validates that even with your days numbered, meaning is always inside and around you, all the way until your final moments. The question isn’t “what’s the meaning of life?” The question is “what meaning are YOU giving YOUR life?” From there, your purpose emerges because here as well, the question isn’t “What’s my purpose?” but rather “what do I want my purpose to be?” It’s different for each and every one of us, so to expect some general answer to the meaning of life will not render satisfactory answers, ever. So, stop waiting for answers to drop in your lap. Make your answers.

None of this may help with figuring out what to say to that person that just told you they have cancer, but hopefully this gives you a sense of the depth of their struggle and THAT may open up a whole new dimension of mutual understanding, connection, and empathy. And maybe then we won’t feel the pressure on our shoulders to perform as “cancer warriors” because for many of us, regardless of how hard we try, cancer WILL win. It’s not a fight against cancer but rather a fight to soak up the preciousness of life. When we get to do that, we triumph, regardless of the end result. That’s what will make ALL of us warriors.

Thank you for your support!