“So, You’re A Housewife” - To Those Who Have A Beef With Stay-At-Home Moms…

“So, You’re A Housewife” - To Those Who Have A Beef With Stay-At-Home Moms…

Growing up, and especially throughout my teenage years, my rather outspoken mantra used to be: “I’ll never get married. I’ll never have kids.” I had many reasons for this. My parents always fought and ended up divorced (something I knew I didn’t want to put my own children through), I felt the world was headed in a bad direction in more than one way (who wants to be born into that?!), and I wanted to pursue a career as a writer/filmmaker, which I knew would be very time consuming. Having kids made no sense to me. To make that part of the story short, what happened next was: 

I went to college, studied film and computer art, met the love of my life, got married, had two kids on the autism spectrum who I then decided to homeschool all the way to their graduation and beyond. 

Yeah, not what I had planned. Do I regret it? Not one bit - I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. But has it been easy living with this decision? Absolutely not. It’s been hell, frankly. Here is why…

Anyone who is a parent knows that this is a full-time job to begin with. Unfortunately, it’s also an unpaid job, so the pressure to make ends meet is certainly up. Since I’m a woman, I’m going to speak from the feminine angle, but that doesn’t mean men who choose to be stay-at-home dads aren’t affected by what I’m about to share as well. I’m sure men, in this particular respect, deal with their own share of stigma.

Cooking, feeding, cleaning, changing diapers, listening, consoling, nurturing, researching, teaching, planning, rinse, repeat (with “a few” adjustments and curveballs along the way) until they’re off to pre-school. Unless, of course, you decide to homeschool further, or all the way until they’re 18. THEN, they’re off on their own. UNLESS your child (or children) has a special need. Then, the above mentioned “routine” most likely takes on a whole new dimension and “out of the house by 18” becomes an obscure, ever-moving goalpost far far off in the distance. Your own dreams and ambitions take a backseat (especially if you have little to no support system like family, which in my case lives overseas), only getting addressed a few minutes at a time when the kids are sleeping. Somehow, apart from raising two kids, I have managed to write 10 screenplays and 3 children’s books (illustrations included), and produced over a dozen short films this way over the course of the past 23 years. None of which made me rich and famous, far from it  - the kids didn’t sleep long enough for me to squeeze in marketing as well, but nevertheless I did finish them. Do I feel accomplished or even proud? Of ANY of it, including the parenting. No. Now, sure, that’s my problem and trust me, my palliative care worker and I are working through this, but there’s an enormous elephant in the room that I feel needs to be addressed and that is the judgment in this society that is placed on women who chose to stay home with their kids.

One thing that I’ve noticed when it comes to this topic is the lack of hesitancy of certain people to speak their mind. Usually, we love to judge quietly or in whispers behind each other’s backs or behind the anonymity of social media (unless when it comes to politics these days, but let's not go there). You meet someone who doesn’t agree with a woman staying home, the gloves suddenly come off and the disdain drips off their tongues right in your face. Back-handed compliments galore. People love to assume that I’m an uneducated underachiever who never learned to be independent and lives under the thumb of her controlling husband. Why else would a woman in this day and age possibly decide to stay at home and raise her two kids rather than go after a career?! My answer simply is: I chose to have kids and because I very quickly figured out that this is indeed a fulltime job, I FULLY committed to it. It didn’t make sense to me to get a job so I could spend that money for daycare so THEY’d raise my child. And when it turned out that my kids needed extra help and the system was inadequate, I decided to pursue “THAT career” for as long as it would take.

“So, you’re a housewife.” You know how many times I’ve heard this with a condescending tone? And you know how many times I’ve heard other stay-at-home moms relate to my experience? Way. Too. Many. And you know the worst of it? All of the people that judged and belittled were/are women, some of them my own family. NOT my husband, NOT other men. Women. I’ve gotten judgmental looks from oncology nurses when asked about my occupation! I bring this up not for pity but to drive home how bad this stigma actually is. I’m in the worst stage of my life, cancer, and here I’m being judged for not having what society deems to be a worthy career! Are. You. Kidding Me?!

Motherhood is the most sacred job in this existence as we know it, and it’s, oh, kind of crucial in the survival of our species. How about we not shit on it. How about we give a lot more credit to those women who choose to pursue this service to society, because that’s what it is. We’re trying to raise good citizens. Instead, we are made to feel insignificant and small, dumb, weak soccer moms, fearful wives with perpetually pregnant bellies, cooking batches of pre-made casseroles (barefoot of course to complete the stereotypical picture) who drink too much cheap wine and binge soaps. 

Women will say “nothing we do is ever good enough” and to a large degree I agree with that statement. My problem is just that the people saying this are also the people degrading people like me. The reality is that homeschooling moms like myself have accumulated skills over the years that far outdo various college degrees in related fields. And yet, can we get jobs once the homeschooling is done? Many of us can’t because of “lack of experience.” Step into a homeschooling mom’s shoes for a week and see how you do. Women should be supporting women, ESPECIALLY when it comes to motherhood. Maybe YOU chose a career, and that’s great. I’m happy for you. Truly. Maybe you managed to juggle motherhood AND a career. Awesome, especially if you did this without family support, pre-existing financial wealth, or sacrificing quality in your performance regarding either job! You rock! Guess what? I chose a career as well, I just didn’t get paid for it. That doesn’t mean I’ve been sitting on my ass the past 23 years being a burden to society, or caving in to some dubious notion of “Western patriarchy.” 

Actually, exactly the opposite. 

“So, you’re a housewife.” Yeah, I love our house and being a wife. Your point?